The Importance of Consent and Negotiation in BDSM Scenes

At its heart, we at Affordable Leather Products consider that BDSM should be a mutually enjoyable activity between two (or more!) consenting adults. All the participants should have agreed to take part in a scene and nobody should be made to do anything they don’t want to (at least not without prior agreement).

[bctt tweet=”BDSM is an activity between consenting adults where nobody does anything they don’t want to”]

If activities take place without someone’s consent or someone is made to do something they really didn’t want to do, then this ceases to be consensual BDSM and, instead, becomes abuse which could, at worst, ultimately result in criminal charges being brought.

As such, it is always a good idea to have some idea of what you are expecting and what the limits are. To this end we always recommend that you engage in some negotiation or discussion before you play simply so that, half-way through a scene, you don’t end up with someone demanding or begging (in an non-scene way) for you to stop doing something because they really don’t like it.

There is also the fact that someone may suffer from medical problems or allergies and if you’re not aware of them beforehand, unexpectedly trying to deal with a person who is having an asthma attack or an allergic reaction to latex can be very stressful and potentially dangerous.

BDSM negotiation for beginners

It may sound complicated and intimidating, but, when it comes down to it, negotiation is just a matter of discussing with the other participants some of the details about what will happen, who will be doing what to whom and for how long.

For instance it may be nothing more than saying “Ok, I like to be spanked, but not too hard and I want to keep my underwear on” which gives the dominant partner enough information to go on without things getting out of hand (pun not intended!)

Another example could be “I want to tie you down to the bed and tease and tickle you, but there won’t be any genital touching or sex involved”.

There’s nothing to be afraid of in such discussions, in fact they can even introduce you to ideas and forms of play that you weren’t previously aware of.

[bctt tweet=”Don’t be afraid of BDSM Negotiation, it may give you ideas that you’d not thought of before!”]

Whatever you discuss, do not be afraid to say No to a particular activity. Don’t get pressured or coerced into undertaking anything that you are not comfortable with.

[bctt tweet=”In BDSM Never be afraid to say No. Don’t get coerced into anything you are not comfortable with”]

Caution during discussion of BDSM activities

It is sometimes the case that people discuss BDSM activities whilst under the influence of alcohol or other intoxicants. Whilst we have no problem with people indulging in a little of what they fancy, you should bear in mind that what seems like fun when you’re in that mental state may not seem such a good idea in the cold light of day when you’re sober.

As such, we recommend that all potential participants should undertake these discussions in a clear state of mind so any decisions are made in a level-headed manner. Similarly, of course, it is sensible to make sure that play is not carried out under the influence of intoxicating substances, adrenaline and endorphins can produce sufficiently enjoyable “highs” on their own.

Health problems and BDSM Scenes

As mentioned above, if someone suffers from Asthma, a latex allergy or, perhaps, they have joint issues which might make extended bondage very uncomfortable for them, it is a very good idea to find out about these things beforehand, rather than tripping over them mid-scene which could ruin a session.

Of course this goes the other way too, if there’s even a theoretical risk of a Dominant keeling over during a session, ensuring that the submissive has a way to get themselves out of bondage and can administer First Aid would be a very good thing.

Other possibilities include that the submissive or Bottom may suffer from a particular phobia, the triggering of which could induce a panic attack. Knowing about this beforehand means you can avoid this happening.

Most importantly, you should be certain that participants inform others of any sexually transmissible infections or other such issues, especially if they have other partners, to ensure that adequate precautions can be taken.

We therefore recommend that you make sure you check with any play partners about any potential conditions or hazards that could arise when you’re playing which will enable you to avoid unfortunate surprises.

Should I use a Safe Word in BDSM?

A Safe Word is a non-scene word that can be used by the Bottom (the person being done unto) to stop a particular activity from happening if they don’t like it or they’re not enjoying themselves. This also means that they can indulge a fantasy of shouting “Mercy” or “Stop” whilst actually meaning “I want more” and the Top or Dominant will be aware of this as it’s been discussed previously.

[bctt tweet=”A BDSM Safe Word is one that can be used by the Bottom to stop an activity they don’t like”]

It could be a word like “Banana”, but personally we recommend the Traffic Light System of BDSM Safe Words and you can find more information by following this link.

Soft Limits and Hard Limits

Not everybody will like every activity that you could engage in, for instance you might have a particular aversion to being spanked due to incidents in your childhood and you want to make sure that it doesn’t happen in a scene.

As such, you can inform the Top or Dominant that that particular activity is a Hard Limit, meaning that it’s one that you will NOT engage in in any way and you don’t want them to try to do it.

Alternatively, there may be something which your Dom or Domme wants to do to you which you don’t particularly enjoy, however you feel that, if they really want to try it out, you’re willing to endure it for them, which is known as a Soft Limit.

A responsible Top should always be aware of their Bottom’s limits and not try to push beyond them without pre-arranged consent. Trying to do so verges into the realms of abuse which is not what BDSM is about.

[bctt tweet=”A Top should be aware of a Bottom’s limits and not try to push beyond them without consent”]

Scene names and other words in BDSM play

During a play session, rather than using a person’s everyday name, a participant may wish to refer to someone (or be referred to) by an alternative name or title, however it should be noted that some of these can carry strong emotional or societal connotations which can be off-putting.

You might consider it fine to refer to someone as “Bitch”, or “Slut” or “Slave” or “Sissy”, however for another person those terms could be highly offensive or trigger off memories of abuse they have suffered in the past and this could cause a scene to rapidly fall apart, so, again, they should be discussed beforehand.

Similarly, some expressions for the genitals and other body parts might be upsetting, so ensuring that these are avoided can help ensure that a scene is enjoyable for all participants.

BDSM Negotiation Documents

For more experienced BDSM players, there are BDSM Negotiation Documents aka Consent Forms such as the ones which can be found at this link that detail many (indeed, most) of the activities that could be carried out during a play session.

These document allow you to state if you’ve done a particular activity (eg spanking, flogging, using candle wax etc) and express a preference for how much you’d like to have that done to you along with any notes or nuances of ways you’d like it done, for instance you might prefer to be flogged on the back or the thighs, rather than on the buttocks.

Obviously it’s not necessary to go through the full length version of the Negotiation Document (which is 7 pages long and covers virtually everything!) but it’s a good way to start a discussion with your partner and helps avoid the embarrassment of the “umm, look, would you, you know, do, well… umm….” type of conversation when someone’s scared of freaking their partner out by asking for a kinky activity.

[bctt tweet=”BDSM Negotiation Documents help start discussions with a partner about kinky activies to try”]

The long version of the Negotiation Form also lets you inform the Dominant partner of any places to concentrate on or avoid, for example if you wear contact lenses or have had bridgework done on your teeth, having your face slapped would probably be a bad idea.

Should I get into a BDSM scene if I play with someone else too?

If you have another play partner, depending on your relationship with them, we strongly recommend that, whether you are the Dominant or submissive party, you let them know that you are going to have a scene with another person as this could help avoid anger or confrontation or even feelings of rejection or betrayal subsequently.

What if I change my mind in a BDSM scene?

Sometimes, during a scene, you may find that something you thought would be fun turns out not to be so enjoyable. At this point it is perfectly OK to ask the Top or Dominant to stop doing it (or use a Safe Word if applicable) and they should accept that and do something else instead.

Similarly, a Top should not try to re-negotiate limits or activities whilst a scene is in progress as you may not be able to give entirely informed consent at that time.

[bctt tweet=”A Top should not try to re-negotiate limits or BDSM activities whilst a scene is in progress”]

Note that if they are not willing to stop or try to persuade you to let them continue even after consent has been withdrawn, you should give serious consideration to stopping the scene entirely and not playing with that person any more.

Post-BDSM Scene discussions

Once a scene has finished and there’s been an appropriate amount of time for aftercare, cuddling or general chilling out, it’s a good idea to discuss with the other participants what happened in the scene and, especially if you want to play with them again, any changes or nuances that you’d like to introduce.

This should be done in a positive way, with constructive criticism, eg “I enjoyed activity X, but would prefer it if you didn’t do activity Y again”, or “next time you do Z, perhaps you could do it this way…”

If you have used a Consent Form, this is a good time to consider re-reading it and making any revisions about activities or interests for the future.

Resources for negotiation a BDSM scene

If you want to learn about BDSM and Bondage, especially how to ensure a mutually enjoyable and consensual scene, there are some very good books available.

A few that we recommend include SM 101 by Jay Wiseman, The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton, Janet W. Hardy, and Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns by Philip Miller and Molly Devon. All of these books are available from online book sellers.

In conclusion, we at Affordable Leather Products hope you have lots of enjoyable kinky and fun BDSM play and your negotiations are fun and fruitful!

What are your experiences with Negotiation Documents in BDSM?

Have you used a Negotiation Document or Consent Form? Do you find them useful or do you consider them unnecessary?

Do you have any advice or suggestions to help your fellow BDSMers? Post your comments below: