When you’re into BDSM, it’s good to play, and there’s plenty of people out there to have short-term fun with, but if you want a bit more than that, here’s some suggestions from Affordable Leather Products.
Obviously we’re not relationship councillors and there’s much more to it than this brief guide can go into, but we hope it’s of use to you.
How do I find a BDSM partner for a relationship?
Generally, unless you’re into flogging yourself, BDSM is not something that you can do on your own in a particularly satisfying manner. Whether you are submissive or Dominant, you’re going to need at least one other person in order to enjoy yourself, however finding that person can be difficult and you may need to invest a fair amount of time and patience before you do.
[bctt tweet=”Unless you’re into flogging yourself, BDSM is not something that you can do on your own…!”]
Finding an on-going BDSM Partner.
Back in the “good old days”, there were limited options for finding a partner who was into Bondage and BDSM, mostly restricted to contact magazines sold by sex shops or from personal ads in the back of some publications or, if you were lucky, finding someone who could introduce you to play-parties. These days, of course, it’s a lot easier with the advent of the internet and world-wide web as there are sites like collarspace.com, alt.com and fetlife.com (and others) which make finding other kinky people much more simple.
[bctt tweet=”Sites like collarspace.com, alt.com and fetlife.com etc make finding other kinky people simpler”]
Not only that, but there are also Fetish Markets, Munches (social gatherings in pubs or restaurants), web forums and so on as well as Twitter feeds, Facebook Groups too.
However it isn’t simply a matter of getting onto one of these sites or visiting an event and saying “Hey, I’m kinky, will you go out with me”, because there are a lot of other people like you out there!
Why is finding a Dominant or submissive partner so hard?
The first thing you need to remember is that there are many more men than women in the BDSM lifestyle, some estimates reckon it’s 4 men to 1 woman or even more. Not only that, but there are a lot more submissive men than Dominant Women, so already you can see the odds are loaded against you and a look at the personal adverts will show you this.
[bctt tweet=”There are at least 4 men to every one woman in the BDSM lifestyle!”]
Also, of course, many people aren’t looking for an on-going relationship, they’re just after some quick play, so that lengthens the odds even more.
What if I Switch?
Switching (ie where you can play both the Dominant or submissive role) naturally makes things a little easier, but even then, to get the maximum enjoyment out of your play, you really need to find a Switch partner, otherwise you’ll end up only ever playing one role which could leave you unsatisfied.
Ask yourself “What do I want in a BDSM relationship?”
Before you start looking for a partner, you need to take some time and think about what it is that you actually want and whether that is actually going to be feasible. It may be nice to fantasise about being the live-in slave of a Dominant Mistress who will flog you in the way you enjoy in exchange for dressing you up in a sissy outfit and letting you do a bit of cleaning, or, if you’re a Dominant Man, finding a willing sub who wants to be spanked regularly and then perform oral sex on you, but such things are generally only found in (bad) fiction and there are very few actual examples in real life!
So be realistic, you probably have a job, so do they. They have other commitments outside that, you may well too, so, unless you’re really lucky, a 24/7 relationship is unlikely.
How far afield should I look?
This gets down to practicalities. Do you want to have to drive several hundred miles or travel for hours on a train to meet your partner? Long distance relationships in BDSM are possible, however they have all sorts of difficulties built into them, so try looking no more than 100 miles to start with. If that doesn’t work, you can expand your radius, but don’t get carried away unless you can afford to fly from London to Edinburgh regularly! Finding someone reasonably close to you gives a much better chance of a continuing relationship.
What do I do when I think I’ve found someone?
As with all BDSM, the most important factor, bar none, is that of communication. It’s probably not going to be a case of “fancy a flogging?”, “sure, why not” unless you’re after a one-off play date.
Talk to them, exchange e-mails, chat on the phone and find out what they are interested in. Don’t simply concentrate on your needs or desires or fantasies, it’s a two-way street and if you want it to succeed, paying attention to their wants and being willing to fulfil them will help immensely.
[bctt tweet=”A BDSM relationship is a two-way street. Paying attention to their wants will help it succeed”]
If, after this, you feel that you’re compatible, meet up in a vanilla environment or go to a munch and see whether that spark still exists when you’re face-to-face.
What do I do when we meet up?
The first thing is what not to do: Don’t go into full-on Dominant (or submissive) mode. Be polite, be respectful, yes, but trying to order someone around or calling them Master/ Mistress/ Sir/ Goddess etc is probably not what you want to do. Similarly, if that’s what they try to do, then perhaps they’re not after a long-term BDSM relationship either. That sort of thing’s fine for a short-term play partner, but not if you want a continuing BDSM relationship (at least not at the start).
So, as you’ve done before, as with any date, don’t monopolise the conversation, talk to them and (this is very important) LISTEN! A relationship is not all about you, what you want, what you like, what you hope to do, there’s two people here, both of their needs and wants should be fulfilled for it to work. If only one person gets what they want and the other doesn’t, that’s probably verging closer to abuse than D/s.
[bctt tweet=”A BDSM relationship is not just about you, both participants’ needs should be fulfilled”]
If, after all this, you feel it’s not working out, don’t feel you have to keep in touch, say “Thanks but I don’t think this is going to work” and walk away. You have no obligation to that person, don’t allow yourself to be guilt-tripped into staying in contact if it doesn’t work for you.
[bctt tweet=”If it’s not working out, say so and walk away. Don’t be guilt-tripped into a bad relationship”]
If it does work, then we play?
Well, you can, but it’s probably best not to. Again, if you’re after a one-off play date, jumping in to a bit of Bondage or other kinky activity is fine, but for an on-going relationship, it’s a much better idea to let things develop more slowly. Try thinking of it as a regular relationship with some kinky extras, rather than focussing solely on the BDSM side of matters.
How do I develop the BDSM relationship?
That one’s a little more tricky, because it depends on your interests and those of your partner, remember, of course, to keep to the ethical principles of Safe, Sane and Consensual, whether you’ve got the leather bondage gear out or you’re going out to the cinema, respect what your partner wants and take note of their dislikes, that way you have much more chance of things developing on a long-term basis.
[bctt tweet=”BDSM relationships should be Safe, Sane and Consensual, so respect your partner”]
Whatever you do, we at Affordable Leather wish you every success and a long and enjoyable relationship!
Have you started a BDSM relationship or are you trying to start one? Do you think that the above advice is right, or have we missed something out?
Let us know in the comments or tell everyone a bit about your experiences…
im going to have to try some of these thanks