Using Safe Words in your BDSM Play

Bondage and BDSM play should always be enjoyable for all the participants, so here is a guide from Affordable Leather Products to ensure that things stay that way in your scenes.

Why should I use a Safe Word?

In BDSM play, when you have your favourite leather flogger, paddle or other BDSM toy in hand, or you are just giving someone a good session of over-the-knee-spanking and they start shouting “No! Stop!”, how can you know whether they actually mean that they want you to stop or they are, in fact, really having fun and what they actually saying is “Yes please, more”?

Well, the answer to that is to use Safe Words.

[bctt tweet=”Safe Words let you distinguish between ‘No, Stop!’ meaning ‘I love this’ and ‘Really stop!'”]

What is a BDSM Safe Word?

Put simply, a Safe Word is a pre-arranged method by which the Bottom (the person being done unto) can communicate with the Top (the person doing the act) in a way that is clear and unambiguous.

As mentioned above, if someone is yelling “No, stop! Mercy!” this could be part of your submissive’s fantasy and they actually enjoy being flogged or caned whilst pretending to resist and plead for mercy. To avoid confusion, therefore, the Safe Word should be one that a person would not use in that situation.

What Safe Word should I used in BDSM?

You can use any non-scene word in this situation eg some people might use a word such as “Banana”, however that doesn’t give much shading of meaning, it simply allows for the bottom to stop something from happening.

As such, we recommend the “Traffic Light” system of safewords which allows for safe play whilst still ensuring enjoyment for all concerned.

[bctt tweet=”We at Affordable Leather Products recommend the Traffic Light system of Safe Words”]

What is the Traffic Light system of Safewords?

To enable a bit more “nuance”, this encapsulates four different meanings whilst still being easy enough to remember, since everyone is familiar with traffic lights.

“Green” means “Go ahead”. This is generally only used if you just want to “check up” on how your slave or submissive is feeling. Occasionally, someone can get so deeply into the scene or so blissed out on endorphins that they may not realise that they are actually potentially risking physical harm, so simply asking them what their check in safe word is will let the Top ascertain that the Bottom is still in a lucid state of mind.

“Amber” means “Proceed with caution” as you’re getting close to a limit. This allows the subject to say for example, “I am enjoying what you are doing, however I’d like you to reduce the intensity a bit”.

“Red” means “Stop” things have gone a bit too far and your slave or submissive is not enjoying what is happening. This is not something to be done lightly, but any considerate Dominant should treat this with the respect that it deserves.

“Red, Red, Red!” means “Emergency Stop!”, for instance if the person is tied up and has got cramp or they are getting scared and are well outside their comfort zone. At this point you should stop the scene entirely, release your subject and wrap them up warmly or cuddle them etc until they are capable of telling you what went wrong and why they needed to stop the scene.

What if someone is gagged and can’t say a Safeword?

You can, as an alternative, use a simple Safe Sign, for instance giving the subject a ball or a bunch of keys which they can drop if things get too much which gives an audible or visual signal to the Top or Dominant, however, again, it doesn’t give much granularity or shading of meaning.

In this situation, therefore, it is a good idea to use Safe Signals.

What are BDSM Safe Signals?

As with the Traffic Light system above, there are a series of signals which can be used by the receiver to stop (or ameliorate) what is being done to them and this can be done by the use of finger signs.

1 Finger held up: This is the equivalent of “Green” which is a check-in, so the Dominant can ensure that the submissive is not too deep into sub-space that they may not realise that things are getting too much for them.

2 Fingers held up: “Amber”. As with what is stated above, this allows the Bottom to effectively say “I like this, but it’s getting a little too intense, so please can you back off a little.”

3 Fingers held up: This is the sign version of “Red” meaning “I don’t like what you’re doing to me, I’m not enjoying it, please can you stop and do something else.”

5 Fingers held up or repeatedly “flashed”: The sign equivalent of “Red, Red, Red”. It means that the Bottom wants the whole session to stop immediately.

[bctt tweet=”If you’re gagged and can’t say a Safeword, use finger signals or drop an object if needed”]

Is using a Safe Word “Topping from the Bottom”?

Topping from the bottom is a term which is generally used to describe a situation where the slave or submissive is trying to either actively or, by using passive-aggressive methods, control what is happening and is generally frowned upon in BDSM circles.

However using a Safe Word does not fall under the same classification since, as the term implies, it is for the safety of the participant, rather than to control what is being done. The only exception to this is if someone does this excessively, repeatedly using the Safe Words until you start doing what they like.

[bctt tweet=”Safewording (provided it’s not abused) is NOT ‘Topping from the Bottom’!”]

Can a Dominant or Top use a Safe Word?

In a word, yes! Although it’s not necessary for them to actually use a word as such, they bear a responsibility to ensure the safety of their slave or bottom, so if the Dom or Domme feels things are getting out of hand, or the sub or slave is no longer in an entirely lucid or rational state of mind, they can request a “check in” (as mentioned above) and if they’re not happy that they have got clear and unequivocal consent for the scene to proceed, they should stop until the situation is resolved.

[bctt tweet=”A Domme can Safeword if things get out of hand, or their sub isn’t in a lucid state of mind”]

What should you do after a scene in which a Safe Word has been used?

Depending on the situation, you may not need to do anything, however it is probably a good idea to have a chat with your slave or submissive after the scene and determine exactly why it was necessary for them to either stop it or ask for you to change what you were doing.

Whatever you may do in your Bondage and BDSM play sessions, we at Affordable Leather Products always urge you to ensure that you observe the principles of Risk Aware Consensual Kink and keep things Safe, Sane and Consensual.

What are your Safewords?

Do you have a particular favourite Safeword? Do you use more than one?

Have you had an experience of needing to use a Safe Word? What was it?

Help out other BDSMers by leaving a comment below…