The Top 5 Myths about BDSM

When we started out making BDSM Toys over 20 years there was no internet, no web and the only information available was from a few “top shelf” magazines which often dealt more in the fantasies of those who wrote into them than facts or photocopied amateur publications which you could generally only find if you knew someone who was already into the scene.

As such, we have encountered (and, indeed, experienced) many of the myths that surround BDSM, so we thought we’d write a bit to debunk a few of them…

Myth number 1: BDSM is all about pain.

This is where a lot of people start from, simply because they have seen bad films or read bad fiction and think it’s all about the cliché of a thigh-boot and corset wearing Dominatrix whipping the skin off a slave’s back with a 20′ bullwhip!

Well, no, this is definitely not the case, it generally means that the person who believes this is unfamiliar with what BDSM actually stands for, so here’s a short recap, or for more information, see our article about What is BDSM? elsewhere on our blog.

B – Bondage: This is restraining or tying a person up in some way with leather straps, cuffs, rope, scarves and so on. Very often this doesn’t involve pain and, indeed, probably shouldn’t, because if the bondage is painful, it could be causing damage.

D – Discipline: Discipline can be simply giving orders to the other player in a Master (or Mistress) / Slave scenario, also Boss / Worker, Military Officer / Soldier or any other similar relationship.

D – Domination: Yes, D does double work! Domination can be considered to be when one party in a BDSM relationship agrees to accept power (ie control) from another. With that acceptance of power, of course, comes the responsibility not to abuse it.

S – Submission: The flip-side to Domination, generally when one party in a BDSM relationship voluntarily gives up their power to another.

S – Sadism: (S also gets a second go) This is the one which can involve forms of pain or strong physical sensations, however, more broadly, the physical sensations don’t have to be actually painful, a session with eg a thuddy flogger might not hurt at all, but, instead, be an intensely enjoyable experience.

M – Masochism: Usually where someone enjoys receiving physical sensations (often, but not necessarily) from a Sadist.

What you can see from this is that only one of the six terms in BDSM may actually involve pain and, even then, despite the name, generally only up to agreed limits, so it is certainly possible for people to enjoy playing with no physical discomfort involved at all.

[bctt tweet=”Only one of the terms in BDSM may actually involve pain and, even then, only up to agreed limits”]

You also need to remember that a Masochist doesn’t necessarily have to be submissive, or vice versa. Similarly, Dominants don’t have to be sadistic etc. There can (and, indeed, may well be) overlaps between the terms, but it’s certainly not “all about pain”.

Myth number 2: Engaging in BDSM is abusive.

The idea behind this myth is often coupled with “BDSM is all about pain” from number 1, because the belief is that nobody would undergo such pain unless they were being forced into it in some way. We’ve already debunked that idea, so let’s deal with the issue of consent.

Despite what some (especially, regrettably, those writing laws) might think, it is perfectly possible and acceptable for someone to willingly undergo intense physical sensations, however in the vast majority of cases, these sensations are applied up to, but not exceeding, the limits of the recipient.

These limits may well have been negotiated before the scene started or they can be applied during play with the use of Safe Words where the recipient can express their desire to have the intensity reduced or, if necessary, stop the scene entirely if they’re not enjoying what’s happening.

Consent should always be obtained before starting a scene and, indeed, may well be “checked in” during play. Not to this would be abusive. See our article on Safe Words.

[bctt tweet=”Consent should always be obtained before a BDSM scene. Not to do this would be abusive.”]

Myth number 3: BDSM is never abusive.

Regrettably, despite what we said in number 2, it is unfortunately the case that there are some players who fail to obtain or respect the consent of the person on the receiving end.

This doesn’t have to be physical, verbal or mental abuse may also happen where someone goes beyond pre-arranged limits or doesn’t respect Safe Words.

Fortunately such things are very few and far between in BDSM, but to deny that it ever happens would be a mistake and bad fiction (a book featuring a number of variations of a mixture of black and white come to mind!) which features a predatory stalker type of character who mistakes coercion for consent doesn’t help educate the public.

Myth number 4: You can’t be a proper Domme/ Master/ slave/ submissive if you do / don’t do X, Y or Z.

Some people out there think that there is “One True Way” of Domination or submission or being a slave or whatever. They say that you can’t wear a collar if you’re a Dominatrix, because only slaves do that and if a slave doesn’t wear a collar, they aren’t a “proper” slave etc.

This is complete nonsense, of course, there are no rules graven in stone which codify BDSM behaviours and if, for example, a Mistress wants to wear a collar, why shouldn’t she?

These sorts of assertions often arise, we feel, from insecure individuals who perhaps have some misguided idea that they are an “influencer” in the scene (or they want to be seen that way) and thus consider that they have the right to dictate to others how they should behave.

We feel that it’s much better to live and let live and if all participants are consenting adults, then nobody should tell them that there is a “right” or “wrong” way to do things.

Myth number 5: Only women really submit.

Following on from Myth number 4, this is a variant on the “One True Way” idea. The person claiming this feels, for whatever reason, that men can’t be (or won’t be, or perhaps, shouldn’t be) “proper” submissives.

There is, of course, the fact that, due to the nature of consent in BDSM relationships, the submissive is the one who can ultimately say “Stop!” but submitting up to pre-arranged limits is no different from receiving a spanking or flogging up to a certain intensity or the recipient uses a Safe Word, for example and, again, to go beyond that goes into the realms of abuse.

If you visit a BDSM play club or dungeon, you will see plenty of men happily submitting to women and we think that many of them would be offended at the idea that they were not really being submissive.

By the same token, there are many women who enjoy the Dominant role and receiving the submission of men, there’s no gender division in BDSM roles, except in the minds of those who want to try to impose one.

[bctt tweet=”The only gender division in BDSM is in the minds of those who want to impose one”]

Conclusion:

All of these myths arise, we feel, from either misunderstanding of the nature of BDSM or, alternatively, the desire of someone to try to impose their will or view on others.

We say that you shouldn’t let yourself allow these people to tell you how to behave. BDSM is not a nice, clear-cut set of pigeonholes into which everyone can be slotted. There’s overlaps and differences in preference and choices, so keep it consensual and safe and just enjoy what you’re doing!

[bctt tweet=”BDSM is not a nice, clear-cut set of pigeonholes into which everyone can be slotted”]

Do you agree with our observations on the myths in BDSM? Are there any other myths you think we should have covered? Let us know what you think in the comments.